Derelicts – how to spot one

Note: if you have a photo of a derelict melbourian, please send it in to matt@hearmespeak.com

Take a drive through the low class suburbs of the west or the outer east of Melbourne and you will see a whole new class of human being. The kind of people that can be almost linked perfectly to my mould of what a derelict person is like.

The following description is the common signs of a derelict found in these areas;

• Always wearing their ‘best’ clothes, which often are branded motorsport jackets commonly of the two manufactures linked to V8 supercars. These clothes are worn every day when the derelict ventures into public. The lighter colours of the clothing will turn a shade of brown, showing its overuse and minimal washing. The clothing trends extend to tracksuit pants, which are often the only pair, so they will have frayed edges and are almost always baggy. Baseball caps are common and follow the same trends as previously mentioned.
• Transport is another interesting feature of the average derelict, often there is a visible hierarchy within the group of derelicts, the driver is the leader, the passenger is the second in command etc. However if they are too poor to own a car, which in many cases this is true, the rider in front is the leader and so on.
• They drink, and when they drink it’s often with the use of tax payer’s money through handouts from the dole office. It will quite often be bourbon with coke of which Jack Daniels is a common choice. However beer is the other alternative
• They often date horrible looking women, and in the case of the women it’s the same in reverse. Lesbian derelicts always find a mate that looks rather male. Male homosexuals are rarely derelicts.
• No money for cigarettes, their one true vice, they will beg on the streets for smokes, and if you don’t give them one, they will call you a tigharse or a wanker. Because they believe it’s their right to free smokes.
• They hang around shopping centres, we don’t know why.
• They eat fast food most days of the week.
• Their language is cave man or subhuman, seems to derive from animal.

You get the point, there are more signs of a derelict and you will pick up on them too, the key is to stay away from these types of animal, as they may pull you into their group and you’ll become one of them. Don’t open your door to one, don’t give them money and whatever you do don’t join them. In fact, if you see one, throw an egg.